sailing the sea of life

title-2489680

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 21:31:26 +0200

he made me cry happy tears because he loves me so much...he said it describes just how he's been feeling...

-and i gotta find my phone to tell ya-

"pumpkin i love you"

the euphoria was just wonderful...and now i'm floating along on a high...

its been fabulous falling back in love with him...

i wrote this to steph which says it well...

...either way by the twang came on and he said it summed up how he's feeling...made me cry happy tears...i love him so much my emotions take me all over the place and he's my anchor against the storms...gods its been awful at times...we skirted the brink a couple of times but we've got through it...when i think of everything we've been through and also everything we've achieved i'm so proud of us...and confident i've chosen the right husband...and this coming from someone who has seen marriages fail left right and centre and wasn't interested...

Comments

either way

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 21:30:59 +0200

Yeah I feel better today, I think that shit was just a phase,
My whole outlook's changed, I've even stopped feelin' strange.
I can understand why you was mad now,
Why should you be the one who has to loose out, just cuz I'm on one?
I said "I'm always gonna have shit going on!"

I feel so much better today, chase the bad things away.

I was glad I turned the corner man, cuz I was sick of feelin rough
I was getting paranoid about the silliest of stuff.
I was at me wit's end pulling my hair out, I'd just about had enough.
And all I needed was a hug and that little bit of love.

I feel so much better today, chase the bad things away.

And I really do feel so much better, I really do feel so much better.
And I've gotta find my phone to tell ya,
maybe even write you a love letter.
Eitherway I've gotta tell ya, eitherway I've gotta tell ya,

I feel so much better today, chase the bad things away.

And yeah I really do feel better and it almost don't feel right,
So im gonna store this thought away for a bit,
And I'm not saying it aint gonna be hard at times,
Cuz it's always your favourite top you blim,
but think man it could have been your skin.
And I think we might just be OK, but what does it matter either way,
cuz she's the one that's always there.
Yeah she's the one that always cares.
Yeah she's the one that always there.
Cuz your the one that always cares.
I love ya.
I've godda find my phone to tell 'er
Ahhh, maybe even write you a love letter.
Ahh, eitherway I've gotta tell ya, eitherway I've gotta tell ya,
Ahh eitherway I've gotta tell ya, eitherway I've gotta tell ya,
Eitherway ... eitherway eitherway ... (... lots of eitherways ...)

Comments

Casbah

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 11:54:49 +0200

went out last night and had a fantastic time!

i'd woken up all stressed out because it was heeley festival and i thought the cafe was going to be too much for me...simon wasn't very understanding which made me worse i think but when i got to work i told nikola and she was a superstar about it and after a couple of hours of being there i'd pulled myself together and was actually enjoying it i'd been looking forward to simon coming all afternoon but when he got there he was really stressed and wasn't very nice to me which upset me and we had a row in the car...we wnt for a walk around the festival and i felt like i'd done something worng and that he was upset with me...when we got back we weren't talking to each other til antonia came round and then i got a load of stuff out to her while simon was in the room...antonia looked after isaac for us while we went for a fag and we had a talk about things which cleared the air some...i said i didn't want to go out cos i'd gfot a busy day tomorrow and simon said why? so i said cos i want to make a nice day for you and he said 'behave - go out and enjoy yourself for once' so i did! i think this was good practice at being selfish cos if i try and please him all the time it seems to backfire so maybe i need to have faith in our relationship and the fact he loves me and please myself cos simon wants what i want too...

so...kaz came round and we got ready, i was wearing my green and yellow dress, black trousers, flip flops, chakra necklace and my hair in plaits...i felt beautiful and ready to go out and have a good time...we met laura, kathryn and leanne in the forum bar for a couple then went to the pool hall above where i got IDed! then we went to walkabout and there was a live band on who were really good...just as the music was getting good in walkabout we left and went to flares which was pants as usual and cost 4 quid to get in but it was a real ego boost as i knew i was one of the best looking people in there! a guy stroked my chin as we were walking past - ego boost! so after a torturous half an hour or so in there we went to casbah...finally!!! having a good time...i instantly relaxed and i undid my plaits and got to some serious dancing...the music was great and we had the best time...kathryn kept getting chatted up by loads of men and i had a sweet guy compliment me on my dancing and ask if i was single,...it felt good to be pulled and it felt great to say i was married...i felt like i was a gorgeous little hippy who was giving off happy vibes, and i was obviously attractive as i had men looking at me from everywhere...

all in all a great night!!!

Comments

title-2376482

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 22:01:39 +0200

mood: not really sure...

weird day today...i've been out of sorts but nothing too major...just away with the fairies a bit...i think antonia taking the buggy to work knocked me for 6 as i was all set up to go out for the day and then i had to face trying to entertain isaac all day in the house...

we went to morrison's for breakfast...that was fun...and he really enjoyed going in his sling...i got a bit flustered when i was getting him back into his sling as we were leaving (after a great breakfast) cos its unusual and lots of people were looking..not in any bad way...just curiosity and i actually knew there was nothng negative (quite the victory) coming from any of them...but i soldiered on and we got out...i dealt with it remarkably well considering a few short weeks ago something like that would have left me shaking inside...

we came home and he slept for a while so i pottered on the internet...its a fabulous distraction when i'm feeling wibbly...mind you i would have preferred to be feeling on top and motivated to do some of the jobs which need sorting around the place...but hey ho...i promised myself i would go weasy and not see everything as a failing...who gives a flying fuck if the flat is a mess...i enjoyed being on the net and simon had already said he will sort it all out on saturday...

ooh simon...what a sweetie...on top of the cleaning he brought me a new chair - saved from the skip at work - to go with my salvaged desk...it feels great to be sitting at the pc in comfort on and using items which cost us barely nothgn and are recycled...excellent

so in the afternoon i took isaac round to see jared and he had a good toddle round the room and a watch of the big tv...then when he got bored we went for a walk round the garden...i got his car out of the garage and pushed him round the garden...he loved it...then when he got bored i took him out into the park and we walked up the long path under the trees...cue much smiling and laughter...on the way back down i stopped and got him out for some walking practice..he was ecstatic a guy who lives in one of the bungalows walked past and isaac went straight up to him and held his hands out to be held to walk...so sweet!!!

as we were walking bcak i saw simon at the end of the path (this was part of the point of going in the park...i wanted to be there to meet simon so he could see me and isaac having a good time as the first look at us as he got home) and he walked up to us...as soon as isaac saw his daddy he walked faster and was saying hello in that little way he does...

simon said 'how cute do you look walking in the park' and it was a magical moment...

we went to morrisons and got stuff for tea and stuff to make bread...i got the head of morrisons to look for poppy seeds for the bread and they didnt have any so i asked the bakery to sell me some...he went to the same guy and asked if he could and the head honcho said to just give me some

bravo...

so it could have been a stressy down day but in hindsight i got on with it and made good things happen for me and isaac and then got what i wanted at the supermarket...brill...

Comments

the way we live...

Thu, 31 May 2007 20:35:13 +0200

the way i...and with simon as a couple...conduct ourselves and our lives is good enough...we aren't failing in any way...we have a fantastic standard of life...we have the inner strength personally and the strength of our marriage to get us through the difficult times...

we will make mistakes...and life will be tough and it will be hard to find our way but there's no reason at all why we wont succeed and make our dreams a reality...

the way i live my life and the choices i make day to day aren't wrong...i dont intentionally try to hurt people or myself and when i do i can forgive myself...

Comments

that dalai lama is too bloody clever

Thu, 31 May 2007 14:30:58 +0200

"Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. "

going to try...

Comments

all hands to the pumps!!!

Thu, 31 May 2007 14:16:22 +0200

check your bilges woman!!

from time to time i'm going to get overwhelmed and swamped...my little boat is going to take on water and if i dont attend to it i'm going to sink and take everyone down with me...

but no need to panic captain for we have the bilge pumps...

i will check the water level regularly and when necessary turn on the pumps...and failing them get a bucket and start bailing...

writing...write it all down...every random, hurtful spare, inconsequential or supremely important thought...

relaxation...seek out new techniques and put them into practice

visualisation...see myself in a calm place un beset by foes and walking my path with my heart free and my head held high

talking...seek support when i need it

and in times of crisis when i'm in danger of going under

ALL HANDS TO THE PUMPS!!!

meaning do all of the above and ask for and accept help from anywhere and everywhere

i'm important i deserve it and i'm worth the effort others put in as well as the effort i will put in myself...

Comments

Lighthouses

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:55:27 +0200

Lighthouses...

when i find myself in a place that is dark and becalmed...when i can't see the way forward and i'm confused and lost...when i've forgotten every positive and can only see the negative...i will look for a lighthouse...

the picture of isaac and i in front of the aquarium...i'm a fantastic mum and i made that special day happen for him...no one else did it...it was down to my efforts...

the picture of simon and i at lands end, just married...i love this man of mine and he loves me...unconditionally...i am free to be myself...even if myself at that time is someone who is stressed, upset, angry because i am important and i deserve my feelings to be heard and acknowledged...

touch my fingers together...everything is going to be alright...

remember...you always do your best and your best is good enough...

remember...these feelings will pass...it is all temporary...

remember...you're on a voyage...nothing stays the same day to day...

remember...you're a fabulous success with boundless energy and you make the world a better place by being in it...

remember all those people who love you just for being you...and here is a list of some of them so you can't question it

Simon
Isaac
Shelly
Natalie
Karolyn
Adam
Ben
John
Lisa
Tom
Melinda
Dad
Tracy
Nan
Jean
Annette
Sean
Kerry
Rich
Mikey
Pugz
Potz
Ann...see!

Comments

bon voyage

Thu, 31 May 2007 13:36:58 +0200

mood: hopeful

today in counselling i came up with the analogy that i'm on a voyage, sailing my little boat through the swells, storms, fogs, sunshine and all the other things that life can throw at me...there is no paradise i'm striving for...life is a voyage and will be different at every turn...

i can't control the weather but i can maintain my vessel so it is at it's optimum to take the batterings that the sea will throw at it...

i can try and predict storms with charts and experience but sometimes a huge event will change the weather and i'll have to batten down the hatches and survive...

i can mark out safe havens for myself, plot the location of lighthouses and keep my sails, paintwork and tiller in good condition to help me on my way...

sometimes i will get blown totally off course and have to find my way back again...sometimes i will get blown totally off course and it will be the right thing to do...

sometimes the sea will be kind, the wind strong and the sun shining...sometimes it will be bleak, becalmed and foggy with no means of navigation and at those times i will seek out my lighthouses and look to the stars to guide me...

sometimes i will be able to retreat to a safe haven and weather the storm...

there's only room in this boat for 3...simon isaac and me...everyone else is there by request and at my permission...there will be no stowaways but maybe a ships cat...

i will beware of pirates and sometimes those pirates will be wearing the face of kind seafarers but be pirates underneath...

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